“Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” ~ Isaiah 40:31
We spend our whole lives searching for that one piece of the puzzle that completes our lives. For that one person that makes everything we’ve ever been through make sense. That affirmation that life is not just a series of senseless events, that even the seemingly senseless actions are for our greater good. We spend our whole lives searching, but do we ever find what we’re looking for?
I have had this blog partially written in my mind for some time now. I say partially because sometimes what I have stored in my vault of draft blogs is not always what ends up on my computer screen. Some blogs die before they make it to my fingertips, some make it to the screen but never get published and others evolve so much in the two hours or so it takes me to write them that they end up looking nothing like I had envisaged. What has made this blog particularly hard to write is the fear that I will make a fool out of myself. Although this fear is ever present whenever I start a new post, it is more palpible with this one because no writer ever wants to lose credibility for writing what is deemed by the world as nonsense.
In the past this fear would have been enough to abandon the post altogether and never even mention it to anyone. I am tired of living in bondage, bound and paralysed by fear. Fear of rejection and judgement. Fear will always do what it was designed to do; keep you stagnant and keep you under its’ watchful eye where you will never progress. To take a stand against our fears I believe requires nothing but God’s grace. With His grace we develop faith in Him. With this faith we gather the strength and the courage to step out of the darkness and really begin to walk into His light.
When God is transforming your life, it really is amazing how He works from within you one flaw, one negative thought and one emotion at a time until you wake up one day and realise that you are no longer bound by your past hurts, disappointments and failures. You wake up one morning and you realise you hold more firmly than ever to the hopes and the dreams that God put inside of you. Over the past week I have come to realise just how much God has changed me. Not only has he transformed how I view the world but also myself. He did not do it with any form of overwhelming force. He did not manipulate me into changing or even threaten me with anything but he has transformed my heart and my life with the most gentle encouragement, care and patience that only a parent can have.
Having read the first few paragraphs I would not blame you for thinking there is some majestic, shocking revelation that I am building up to. There is no miraculous account you will read about. All you will read about is my personal testimony on how God will trasnform you if you submit to His will and power. This may come as a disappointment to some and I will probably lose some devout followers in the process. This is a risk I knew I was taking long before I started typing and it is a risk that I am completely ok with.
There have been so many times over the past few weeks when I have wondered whether I wasn’t completely losing my mind. The danger with living in faith, that no one really warns you about, is that you will sound completely crazy to the non-believers and nay-sayers who knew the “saner” you. This bothered me for a while because it was my faith that that was creating a rift with the very same people I have been very close with. When my heart was sore over losing friends I held dear to my heart, the Holy Spirit led me to 1 Corinthians 1:18 – 31. By the time I finished reading I felt an amazing sense of peace and it reminded me of the promise of Philippians 4:6 – 7 that if we let our requests be known to God through prayer and thanksgiving, then “the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” I now take solace in knowing that I am not crazy after all. Even if I were, I would rather be crazy for Him and be laughed at by the world then to spend one more day away from His presence.
A few years ago I was watching T.D. Jakes preaching on dreams. I listened to him talk about the opposition that you will face when you tell others your dreams. He asked those who were in his congregation to turn to their neighbour and say, “Neighbour, you don’t have to believe in my dream!” So often we seek others’ approval and affirmation and any form of opposition to our dreams and visions chips away at our faith that these are firstly instilled in us by God and secondly that they will be fulfilled. When I first heard this sermon I interpreted it as meaning that we should not share in our dreams with others because they will crush them since they don’t really need to believe in the things we believe in.
It wasn’t until recently when my dreams started becoming “a bit out there” that I really understood what he was saying; we shouldn’t just recoil and keep our dreams secret just because the next person doesn’t believe in them, it’s their right not to but that shouldn’t stop you from believing. I have been told so many times that I am crazy when I say my ultimate dream in life is to be a good wife and mother. I often get told I am wasting my education and talents when I say I have no aspiration of chasing a seven figure salary and I would rather stay at home or work the church. But you know what? I find myself blurting it out with absolute confidence everytime some one asks me what I want to do with my life!
It amazes me how many people think they can dissuade someone by bombarding them with questions. Funnily, no matter how innovative people think they are with their interrogation, they are really quite predictable. After the initial looks of disdain the question that inevitably follows is: “How do you know you are meant to get married?” While I wait for people to process my response that God told me so, I amuse myself with the looks on their faces. For the longest time I wasn’t convinced myself that this was what I was destined for. At times I was convinced that it was those pesky schizophrenic voices that had told me this. I have been praying about this for the longest time. I prayed through the frustration, through the disappointment after each failed relationship and through all the resentment. Finally, just as I was getting ready to give up He blessed me with knowledge that renewed my hope and faith in Him.
We often hear people saying, “God works in mysterious ways.” I have also said this so many times but never really fully understanding what this means. I am firm believer that there are things of the spiritual realm that we will never fully understand as mortal beings and yet our spirits do. I have cried, pleaded and bargained with the Lord for Him to reveal to me who I was destined to marry so that I do not waste time on other people or even on anyone if it is not God’s will for me to get married.
We spend our whole lives searching for that one piece of the puzzle that completes our lives. Lord help me realise that it’s time to call off the search, I have found what I have been searching for.