Three Versions Of The Truth

“Dear Lie, you suck! You said you could fix anything. Instead, I’m {done} you made things worse for me. If I had balls I’d tell you get away from me. Guess I’m not smart, I let you unnerve me.I let you control me afraid the truth would hurt me when it’s you that hurts me more…”   ~ Dear Lie, TLC

For the past few months and more so the past few weeks I have been performing a thorough relationship post-mortem. Yes the tears were shed a long time ago, eulogies read and friends rallied to be with me in my time of loss, but my heart was just not at peace. It became even more apparent to me that I had to have the relationship exhumed for a further post-mortem when I became acutely aware of the anger and hatred that was consuming me. What was the whole process supposed to prove? What was I hoping to gain? The truth!

The very sad thing about the truth is it’s not always what we expect it to be. Even worse, it does not offer us the absolution we so desperately crave when a relationship ends. We do not want to believe that we were responsible in whatever way or form for our heartbreak. We want to walk away thinking that we did all we could. We want to believe that we did what was right, we were true and honest, not only to the other person but to ourselves. Yes, you were perfectly happy, and then one random morning you woke up and with no warning whatsoever you were faced with heartache so great the arteries in your heart were constricting with every breath. No, you are not the one that should be facing the firing squad for killing all the dreams, hopes and plans you had for the future. Right?

I have spent the past six months vehemently hating someone because I felt they had used me, abused my love and kindness and when they were done gorging the most delicate parts of me discarded the very little that remained of me, not caring if I lived or died from that point on. I was justified! He lied to me! For two years I was a victim to his lies. Every time I spoke to him and saw him in two years he lied. He never cared at all, it was all a carefully orchestrated plan for my demise. He knew how he was going to get me to love him. He knew he was never going to love me back so he lied about it. Over and over and over he lied and I was convinced that my happiness would only return when I’d seen to his demise. This was the testimony I was willing to give in any court and in my view this was nothing but the truth, the whole truth. Since this was the truth, the cross-examination shouldn’t have been a problem.

Are you sure he lied to you over and over for two years?

Yes!

He never once told the truth?

No, not once!

So you’re the victim in all of this?

Yes!

In two years you could not tell he was lying to you?

….silence

Answer the question please.

I’m sorry what was the question?

How can a fully grown, intelligent and perceptive woman like yourself not know that they were being lied to, “over and over and over”?

….silence

Did you not just swear that your testimony is the truth and the whole truth at that?

Like I said, the very sad thing about the truth is it’s not always what we expect it to be. There are three versions of this story; his, mine and the truth. As much as I want to believe I only just discovered the truth now, I would be lying. I knew all along and I allowed him to lie to me.

It has not been easy for me to admit this but if I am to ever have a chance at piecing my heart back together I need to come clean about the hand I played in all of this. I believe that guilt and shame only intensify the pain we feel and part of the healing will come from dealing with the root of the guilt and the shame.  Unfortunately for me, I do not think I have matured enough in my spiritual journey to have fully mastered the ability to forgive and let go. I can’t just write this all off to a lesson learned and move on from there. For a while I have been flogging myself for all I have allowed to happen and all I have become as a consequence of the past few years. I am hardest on myself simply because I feel that I should know better, after all I did come up with the code of conduct for my life.

My code has explicit rules on what I will and will not tolerate. Rules are explicitly laid out on how I would like to be treated and in turn how I will treat you. In each instance there are rules on how to proceed when a contravention has been identified . But what do I do now that I taught someone the code, allowed them to repeatedly break the code and then stood by idly and watched as they unleashed destruction in my once peaceful kingdom? No ruler wants to ever be seen as weak and not serious about the laws they set. I have become despondent, I have stopped fighting the upsurge in lawlessness and with great dismay I can’t help but stand and watch everyone else disregarding the code. Though yes some people do it very innocently, for others it all seems pre-meditated. I watch as friends now treat me way worse than any ex-boyfriend ever did. 

As the dust starts to settle in my head, I’m starting to realise that I can’t expect to regain some sense of control until I have cleared away all the debris. No foundation is going to stand if I build it on top of rubble. Some important questions need to be asked and answered in an effort to level the ground again. I allowed a lie to unnerve me. I allowed a lie to get under my skin and reside there for so long it became my truth. 

The levelling exercise is going to take a long time still but at least I can smile because I know I am making progress. There are a lot of feelings I need to work through before I can even start to make peace with them. Dear Lie, I would like you to know that you can stay in my mind a little while longer but I WILL find a way to uproot you once and for all.

PS: The truth did not hurt me more, you did! You weren’t just trying to be my friend and protect me now were you? I guess you lied about that too, huh?

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