“And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ. But he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong which he hath done: and there is no respect of persons.” – Colossians 3: 23 -25(KJV)
Sometimes I wonder why I ever get out of bed and actually go through the trouble of getting ready for work. Is it really worth it to pitch up everyday and do no more than an hour or two of constructive work? I’m not proud of my behaviour because it goes against everything that the Bible instructs me to do. So day in, day out I act in defiance not just to my earthly masters but ultimately to the Lord of hosts! Does my defiance not bother me? Yes it does! Have my remorse made me stop? Not yet!
I seem to be bound in my defiance. I have allowed my mind to be enslaved in my thinking and in my behaviour by telling myself day in day out that I am justified. I dare anyone to try tell me that I am not justified. With complete arrogance I stand ready to say anyone who dares question me, “Put in my situation would you really act differently?” I make myself feel better everyday and make excuses for myself and my favourite one being, “I’m a baby Christian, God doesn’t expect me to be perfect all day every day. I falter and that’s ok.” Yes true God doesn’t expect me to be perfect but I think in all fairness He does expect me to at least try and to constantly work at it and to have him in mind at all times.
Whenever I think of Matthew 7:20 tears well up in my eyes because I think to myself, “How are my actions showing fruit of what I believe in? What am I teaching people, both Christians and non-Christians alike, about the God I serve? Are my actions those of God’s servant or am I now serving another master?” These are painful questions for me to even ask because I desire, with a huge part of me, to be a light for His kingdom. I do not want to be the ‘unprofitable servant’ in the ‘Parable of the Talents’ because his fate is Matthew 25: 30 is quite clear, “cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” I DO NOT WANT THAT TO BE ME!!!!
So I ask again, who am I fooling because I am certainly not fooling God! Like Psalm 139:2 says, “He knows my downsitting and He knows my thoughts afar of.” I can’t help but wonder if I can be as brave as David and ask God like he did verse 23 to, “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts. And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Can I handle being reprimanded? Here again is where I say I am a baby Christian. I have a set way in responding to being reprimanded by God. I sulk! Like a four-year old, I sulk! I refuse to pray, I refuse to talk to God and I sulk! Quite a few times I can feel God looking at me and laughing and saying, “Go ahead my child, but my answer is still no! I have had so many, “Yes but Father…” arguments with God. Needless to say they never end with God caving in for which I am truly grateful. I love the Lord, with all my heart and I am dearly grateful that I know He is with me eve when I do not want him to see what I get up to but He sees ALL OF IT!
So back to my original question, who am I fooling? When will I lose myself from the resentment and bitterness that binds me? When will I return to be God’s, “good and faithful servant”? Please pray for me because I think this is a battle that I am not going to win on my own.